Typically I am pragmatic with my wont of helping others: Consider the ethics of the situation, don't put myself in danger, or bite off more than I can chew. These are not unreasonable things. There are, however, situations where pragmatism takes a back-seat.. or does it? The all-important question of "what should I do?"
Returning from my apartment's main office, having searched in vain for a package that ought to have arrived, a car pulled up beside me slowly.
"Excuse me," came a woman's voice; thinking she was looking for directions, I stopped. Then came, "I need someone's help with getting my laundry, and am willing to pay $20.00."
My heart stopped. Visions came to me as a kid saying "Don't talk to strangers in strange cars," like it was supposed to mean something to me as an adult. She was in no position to hurt or kidnap me, and obviously I would not let her if she was. The following was not conducive to my heart jumpstarting:
"I am a nurse, and just got out of the hospital. I was sick, but I'm not.. positive, anymore," she nodded knowingly, as if I already knew what she was insinuating--which I did, how could I not in these times?
She continued, "I'm in my 60's, and I have trouble breathing climbing stairs. My laundry's in sealed green trash bags. I just need someone to grab it and get it into my car, so I can drop it off somewhere to be cleaned."
Uneasily, I answered, "I can help, but I have to get my mask--"
"--Oh, I have one here. It has never been used," the woman said as she grabbed the mask dangling from her rear-view mirror. She picked another one out of her passenger seat. "I have a couple unused ones."
I shook my head with a low "nuh-uh." "I need mine," I answered, trying not to sound suspicious and afraid--but, as any wise person could tell you, the more you try to play something off, the more you end up coming off as the thing you wish to nullify. Case in point.
"I live just around the corner of this building, let me go in and get my mask," I said. "You can just pull up here." She thanked me and pulled up as indicated. I was passing by a side door to my building and thought Oh heck, I can just go in this way, but this must have made me look worse. You will see what I mean..
Heading inside, I asked my boyfriend Tim if I could use one of his masks and told him what transpired. He was very suspicious--and afraid, as he had a right to be: He is high-risk due to his asthma. In my head, I was rapid-firing a plan of action: Get this woman her laundry, dispose of the mask and wash my hands promptly.. the $20 could matter less, as long as I could keep Tim safe.. Yet the worried look on his face made me feel utterly stupid.
On the one hand, I earnestly wanted to help this woman; on the other, I was risking my loved one's health. I caught what I can only say is a glimpse of the stressful, incredibly difficult dilemma that medical personnel, supermarket workers and mail carriers (just to name a few) must have when they need to choose between keeping their jobs (and their loved ones fed, housed and healthy), even if that means they have to quarantine themselves away later.. or not work and be forced to potentially run out of income, having to fight with unemployment for their benefits.
"..Okay, I'll just tell her that I can't risk your health," I said to him, heading out the door. I halted for a moment before heading out of the building, just wondering if I was still doing the 'right thing.' Maybe this woman did not have anyone else who desired to help; maybe she exhausted her efforts on other passers-by. She was willing to approach a complete stranger to handle her laundry, and pay them.. It all felt so wrong. I headed out the door, preparing for her to be disappointed..
..but she was gone. I took too long; probably thinks I ditched her.. sonnuvabitch.. I was angry at myself, at my lack of better judgement; my lack of wisdom, even though it's impossible to gain wisdom if one does not experience things. Full disclaimer: I am not fair to myself, often. This is a bad habit I am trying to break and, as all bad habits go, it's hard.
I came back inside, annoyed, and sat down to writing this.
Less than a month ago, I wrote about how I feared I was Othering based on seeing folks out in public wearing masks. (This was written somewhere else entirely; this was also long before the CDC advised masks worn by everyone rather than just those who feel sick.) Othering is when you view someone/another group of people as fundamentally different from yourself, in essence vilifying them based on factors you don't understand (whether you meant to or not; e.g. class, gender, skin color).
So was I Othering this woman? Or was I just looking out for myself and--especially--for Tim? Was I being self-serving or pragmatic?
I will never know for sure if she really needed someone's help or if she somehow had malicious intentions.. but, inversely, I will never know if I could have gotten me or Tim ill. "Better to be safe than sorry," go the most basic of wise words. One likes to imagine that they will know what to do in situations like these, but it is rare to execute the plan perfectly. Socially-speaking, we all learn on our feet; we are all actors. We do not always do or say the best things in the worst scenarios, but most of us try..
..What would you do?
